People Not Understanding Bed REST:

So I have graduated from having a Subchorionic hematoma, thank goodness. Because of having a SCH with this pregnancy I placed myself on bed rest. It wasn't exactly by choice, my cramping was so severe I could not walk far. Some days even walking to the bathroom would have me in tears. 

This lasted for 4 weeks. Some days during those 4 weeks I was able to go out of the house and some days I was barely able to crawl out of bed. Just like every pregnancy is different...every day with SCH is different! I remember one day being woken up at 3 a.m. with shooting cramps and tears that lasted until 9 a.m. and then later that day at 2 p.m. I was happily playing with Natalie at the park. Subchorionic hematomas are so unpredictable! 

Because of not knowing how this pregnancy was going to go and being considered high risk in the beginning I decided to responsibly withdraw from my college semester. I had already missed 2 days worth of classes due to my SCH and after missing 4 classes you automatically fail. I didn't want to risk my GPA being ruined over something in God's hands so instead I chose to medically withdraw with a doctor's note so I could save my GPA and chances of getting into nursing school. 

Some people defined my choice to withdraw as 'lazy' or a step ahead without knowing anything. I on the other hand feel like it was the most responsible thing to do. That day that I left the ER after bleeding very heavily I was told by the ER Doctor I would probably miscarry later that night. For any pregnant woman to be told that they should expect their baby to fall out of them along with painful cramps and bleeding should be instantly in shock and struck with immediate unease and depression. I know I was. 

I will admit..for a few days after the big bleed I was definitely not myself! I wanted to cry every chance I got...I was terrified...an anxiety attack waiting to happen. My moods were all over the place and I just wanted to curl up into a black ball and just hide until I had an answer...until I knew what I was in for. That's not how it works though. That isn't how life works. 

There were some days where I would feel fine and one day I was even able to make it to a friend's birthday party for their 3 year old daughter. Matt came and we brought Natalie and had a great time! I was finally out of the house, Natalie was having fun socializing and I was catching up with all of my friends that are Moms. I was even able to stand for over an hour with NO cramping. Then there were other days following that where I couldn't even stand up long enough to pour myself a cup of tea. I couldn't even stand long enough to take a shower without being doubled over in pain. 

At times I truly feel...and know that I was being judged. I know that people were whispering about me behind my back thinking that I was making all of this up and making it seem worse than it really was. I'm sure that people found it odd that I could be fine one day and the next day be in a horrible amount of pain. Truth be told: I found it odd too! 

What angered me the most was people thinking I was being lazy because I was on bed rest...or that I wasn't being the best Mom I could be. Which at the time I wasn't being the best Mom I could be and that was because I was unable to. I needed HELP, simple as that. 

I am the kind of person that has to have control over everything, I have to always be a step ahead of everyone, always know everything there is to know about certain things, always be prepared to up and go, know all of the outcomes of any possible situations....I AM THAT PERSON. This whole subchorionic hematoma thing ruined that person, it ruined my control. I didn't know if I could sit up at the dinner table long enough to not be struck by some stabbing pain that hurt so bad it made me want to vomit my dinner plate I just so gracefully ate. I didn't know if I would have a peaceful and quiet shower or a shower with tears and hair that was halfway rinsed with shampoo suds still in it because I had to get out and lay down. This new life of not knowing and not having control....I had to completely relearn how to live and how to let go. So what if Natalie made a mess with her toys and I haven't cleaned it up.....I had to be the Mom that sat back and watched things happen. Normally I'm always on the edge of my seat ready to jump up and solve any problem, clean any mess, prepare Natalie's food...do anything for her. 

What also upsets me is I find a lot of the time that until people experience something they cannot relate. They often make judgments on something they have NO knowledge of. This upsets me! I remember Matt's Mom one day told me that I need to, "Get out of my funk and go do something outside the house." 

What she didn't understand is how bad my cramps are. That getting up and moving doesn't make the ripping, stabbing pain in my belly go away. Getting up in pain doesn't make me at ease or energized. Although my pain was not a 24/7 throbbing constant pain it was there at least every hour of the day for a few minutes or longer. I was tired of getting ready and putting my make up on to go out and run errands with Matt and Natalie and me having to tell them we need to turn around and go home and I hadn't even made it out of the car yet. It was so depressing. I rather just be at home resting, comfortable, in sweat pants and a large T-shirt knowing that if I have a huge gush of blood I don't have to worry about it dodging my pad in my underwear. I don't have to worry about getting nervous and shaky in the middle of public....I would be at my own home. 

My twin sister was kind of the same way. She would come over and visit and ask me why I wasn't feeling well or why I was in bed at 2 in the afternoon and Matt was caring for Natalie. I would tell her why and she would look at me like I was stupid, like it made no sense to her. Yet she has never been pregnant, she isn't already a mom, she doesn't have complications with a pregnancy on top of just regular pregnancy symptoms...she has no clue. It's like talking to a brick wall. 

I remember before I was pregnant I always just imagined the beach ball belly...never did I imagine the sore boobs, shooting pains in your cervix out of nowhere, the loss of a sex drive, the mood swings, the lack of an appetite, the nausea, the COMPLETE exhaustion for no reason....I never thought of all of these because I didn't know how to! I had never walked down that road before and I had never experienced it...therefor those things never came to mind! 

Well my Mother in Law was kind of the same way. I remember bringing home an ultrasound picture after my 10 week appointment, a week after my major bleed. She asked me if the baby still had a heart beat and if it was doing okay...I said, "yes." BUT I also told her all of the black stuff around the baby on the picture was blood. She looked at me like I was crazy, like I made no sense or I was making it up. I told her that some of the placenta had detached and it could cause problems or even a miscarriage. She still looked at me like I was crazy. All she wanted to hear was does the baby still have a heart beat? Which I told her yes. But I also told her what else was going on..to not get her too excited as I was told not to get too excited by my Doctor. She just wanted to hear the good news, not the negative. I always look at all the possibilities in things, all the things that could go wrong...it makes me feel better about the situation knowing. It probably doesn't make any sense but it's who I am. Like a week before I had Natalie I was scheduled for a C-Section. So what did I do all week? I watched videos of C-Sections and watched videos about woman's stories of having them. I read about C-sections on medical websites, forums, blogs...everywhere! I wanted to know what I was in for....same concept with the SCH I guess. 

My Mom and my Father in Law understood why I was on bed rest. Why? I think they understood because they were there at the ER when I was gushing blood. They were there when the doctor told me I was probably going to miscarry. They were there when everything happened and they saw how much blood it was...they knew how scary it was. 

It makes me upset that my Mother in Law said, "well I've had high risk pregnancies and I know....." and it makes me just want to stop her in the middle of her sentence and say....

"No you don't know. You haven't gushed blood with both of your pregnancies. You weren't told both times with both of your children that you were going to miscarry. You didn't have kidney infections with painful rocephin injections and kidney stones. You didn't have a C-section. So actually you don't know..." It just aggravates the hell out of me. I know that the woman cares and she is just trying to help but she can't sit there and act all caring and be like I know blah blah BUT here is my two sense and you better listen to it ordeal. That's not cool. She 1) is not a doctor 2) Has no clue how I physically feel 3) Has no idea what a SCH even is or how they can make you feel or how valuable bed rest can be when you have one. 

So to any of you who are on bed rest or pelvic rest and you are getting the 'shit end' of it and people not understanding that it's not a MINI vacation it is a nightmare...I can relate to you! It makes me mad that people don't stop to think....oh that's so and so's body with a baby growing inside of it and that baby can be lost at any moment. They have no clue how stressful and terrifying that can be. When you tell them you are cramping they must assume period like cramps and when you tell them you are having contractions from the blood irritating your uterus and they look at you like you are dumb....it is aggravating. This isn't a competition of whose pregnancy has been the classified as a higher risk, or who is stronger and has made it through the most problems....when a pregnant woman is on bed rest it is obviously for a reason. It angers me that people who are supposed to be the most supportive in times of need can sometimes be the least caring and understanding.

I am SOOOOO happy to have graduated from my little bed rest spell. I felt like my family was falling apart, my home was so out of order and messy, I lost all control, I felt like a horrible mother  for not being as engaged with my daughter as usual and I felt like I was being judged by everybody  as this person that couldn't 'handle' it. 

When I was 4 months pregnant with Natalie I had a huge gush of blood the day before Valentine's Day. I started a new job the very next day and was fine with no pain. This go around it was completely different. I would have never survived starting a job the next day. People need to realize just like no person is ever the same, no pregnancy is ever the same. It is so crucial to not compare because understanding is a far walk away from judgment.