Short Little Update:

This whole feeling normal again thing is great! Yesterday I managed to walk around the mall all day with Natalie and Matt and I had NO cramping! :) I have been on Buspar for about 5 weeks now. It has helped a lot with my anxiety but lately I feel like I don't need it. I have only been taking half of a pill at night instead of the usual 1/2 a pill in the morning and 1/2 a pill at night. All of the relief from the SCH has caused my anxiety to be a lot easier to manage.

After walking around the mall all day yesterday I decided to go visit my parents. My Mom ACTUALLY offered to watch Natalie. This was like a miracle break through! I know she hasn't been feeling all that well lately and she has been really stressed since she returned to work. I just couldn't believe that she offered to babysit! She never does that!!! That was probably the second time she has offered and Natalie is 19 months old! I did say no though because we had a planned day for the mall and shopping but the fact that she offered made me more than happy and I was sure to let her know that!

So we decided to go and visit my parents, who actually were very pleasant to be around this weekend! My Mom made dinner for us, we told her we were going to go out to eat but she insisted we stay and let her cook something for us. My Dad played with Natalie and my Mom was very talkative and enjoyable to be around. Completely different that last weekend! I guess everyone has their moments where they just don't feel up to being social...nothing wrong with that. I guess I just wasn't as forgiving as I should have been.

Matt got offered a job as a pharmacy technician with the training included, which is nice. He is really thinking about doing an accelerated RN program when the next semester starts.

As for my pregnancy:

I am still super nauseous all the time. I was never this sick during my 2nd trimester with Natalie. My belly is definitely showing now. I have gas ALL day long it is so gross. Matt makes fun of me for it. I feel like I am slowly getting my energy back! :)

Natalie sitting on her potty yesterday evening. 

People Not Understanding Bed REST:

So I have graduated from having a Subchorionic hematoma, thank goodness. Because of having a SCH with this pregnancy I placed myself on bed rest. It wasn't exactly by choice, my cramping was so severe I could not walk far. Some days even walking to the bathroom would have me in tears. 

This lasted for 4 weeks. Some days during those 4 weeks I was able to go out of the house and some days I was barely able to crawl out of bed. Just like every pregnancy is different...every day with SCH is different! I remember one day being woken up at 3 a.m. with shooting cramps and tears that lasted until 9 a.m. and then later that day at 2 p.m. I was happily playing with Natalie at the park. Subchorionic hematomas are so unpredictable! 

Because of not knowing how this pregnancy was going to go and being considered high risk in the beginning I decided to responsibly withdraw from my college semester. I had already missed 2 days worth of classes due to my SCH and after missing 4 classes you automatically fail. I didn't want to risk my GPA being ruined over something in God's hands so instead I chose to medically withdraw with a doctor's note so I could save my GPA and chances of getting into nursing school. 

Some people defined my choice to withdraw as 'lazy' or a step ahead without knowing anything. I on the other hand feel like it was the most responsible thing to do. That day that I left the ER after bleeding very heavily I was told by the ER Doctor I would probably miscarry later that night. For any pregnant woman to be told that they should expect their baby to fall out of them along with painful cramps and bleeding should be instantly in shock and struck with immediate unease and depression. I know I was. 

I will admit..for a few days after the big bleed I was definitely not myself! I wanted to cry every chance I got...I was terrified...an anxiety attack waiting to happen. My moods were all over the place and I just wanted to curl up into a black ball and just hide until I had an answer...until I knew what I was in for. That's not how it works though. That isn't how life works. 

There were some days where I would feel fine and one day I was even able to make it to a friend's birthday party for their 3 year old daughter. Matt came and we brought Natalie and had a great time! I was finally out of the house, Natalie was having fun socializing and I was catching up with all of my friends that are Moms. I was even able to stand for over an hour with NO cramping. Then there were other days following that where I couldn't even stand up long enough to pour myself a cup of tea. I couldn't even stand long enough to take a shower without being doubled over in pain. 

At times I truly feel...and know that I was being judged. I know that people were whispering about me behind my back thinking that I was making all of this up and making it seem worse than it really was. I'm sure that people found it odd that I could be fine one day and the next day be in a horrible amount of pain. Truth be told: I found it odd too! 

What angered me the most was people thinking I was being lazy because I was on bed rest...or that I wasn't being the best Mom I could be. Which at the time I wasn't being the best Mom I could be and that was because I was unable to. I needed HELP, simple as that. 

I am the kind of person that has to have control over everything, I have to always be a step ahead of everyone, always know everything there is to know about certain things, always be prepared to up and go, know all of the outcomes of any possible situations....I AM THAT PERSON. This whole subchorionic hematoma thing ruined that person, it ruined my control. I didn't know if I could sit up at the dinner table long enough to not be struck by some stabbing pain that hurt so bad it made me want to vomit my dinner plate I just so gracefully ate. I didn't know if I would have a peaceful and quiet shower or a shower with tears and hair that was halfway rinsed with shampoo suds still in it because I had to get out and lay down. This new life of not knowing and not having control....I had to completely relearn how to live and how to let go. So what if Natalie made a mess with her toys and I haven't cleaned it up.....I had to be the Mom that sat back and watched things happen. Normally I'm always on the edge of my seat ready to jump up and solve any problem, clean any mess, prepare Natalie's food...do anything for her. 

What also upsets me is I find a lot of the time that until people experience something they cannot relate. They often make judgments on something they have NO knowledge of. This upsets me! I remember Matt's Mom one day told me that I need to, "Get out of my funk and go do something outside the house." 

What she didn't understand is how bad my cramps are. That getting up and moving doesn't make the ripping, stabbing pain in my belly go away. Getting up in pain doesn't make me at ease or energized. Although my pain was not a 24/7 throbbing constant pain it was there at least every hour of the day for a few minutes or longer. I was tired of getting ready and putting my make up on to go out and run errands with Matt and Natalie and me having to tell them we need to turn around and go home and I hadn't even made it out of the car yet. It was so depressing. I rather just be at home resting, comfortable, in sweat pants and a large T-shirt knowing that if I have a huge gush of blood I don't have to worry about it dodging my pad in my underwear. I don't have to worry about getting nervous and shaky in the middle of public....I would be at my own home. 

My twin sister was kind of the same way. She would come over and visit and ask me why I wasn't feeling well or why I was in bed at 2 in the afternoon and Matt was caring for Natalie. I would tell her why and she would look at me like I was stupid, like it made no sense to her. Yet she has never been pregnant, she isn't already a mom, she doesn't have complications with a pregnancy on top of just regular pregnancy symptoms...she has no clue. It's like talking to a brick wall. 

I remember before I was pregnant I always just imagined the beach ball belly...never did I imagine the sore boobs, shooting pains in your cervix out of nowhere, the loss of a sex drive, the mood swings, the lack of an appetite, the nausea, the COMPLETE exhaustion for no reason....I never thought of all of these because I didn't know how to! I had never walked down that road before and I had never experienced it...therefor those things never came to mind! 

Well my Mother in Law was kind of the same way. I remember bringing home an ultrasound picture after my 10 week appointment, a week after my major bleed. She asked me if the baby still had a heart beat and if it was doing okay...I said, "yes." BUT I also told her all of the black stuff around the baby on the picture was blood. She looked at me like I was crazy, like I made no sense or I was making it up. I told her that some of the placenta had detached and it could cause problems or even a miscarriage. She still looked at me like I was crazy. All she wanted to hear was does the baby still have a heart beat? Which I told her yes. But I also told her what else was going on..to not get her too excited as I was told not to get too excited by my Doctor. She just wanted to hear the good news, not the negative. I always look at all the possibilities in things, all the things that could go wrong...it makes me feel better about the situation knowing. It probably doesn't make any sense but it's who I am. Like a week before I had Natalie I was scheduled for a C-Section. So what did I do all week? I watched videos of C-Sections and watched videos about woman's stories of having them. I read about C-sections on medical websites, forums, blogs...everywhere! I wanted to know what I was in for....same concept with the SCH I guess. 

My Mom and my Father in Law understood why I was on bed rest. Why? I think they understood because they were there at the ER when I was gushing blood. They were there when the doctor told me I was probably going to miscarry. They were there when everything happened and they saw how much blood it was...they knew how scary it was. 

It makes me upset that my Mother in Law said, "well I've had high risk pregnancies and I know....." and it makes me just want to stop her in the middle of her sentence and say....

"No you don't know. You haven't gushed blood with both of your pregnancies. You weren't told both times with both of your children that you were going to miscarry. You didn't have kidney infections with painful rocephin injections and kidney stones. You didn't have a C-section. So actually you don't know..." It just aggravates the hell out of me. I know that the woman cares and she is just trying to help but she can't sit there and act all caring and be like I know blah blah BUT here is my two sense and you better listen to it ordeal. That's not cool. She 1) is not a doctor 2) Has no clue how I physically feel 3) Has no idea what a SCH even is or how they can make you feel or how valuable bed rest can be when you have one. 

So to any of you who are on bed rest or pelvic rest and you are getting the 'shit end' of it and people not understanding that it's not a MINI vacation it is a nightmare...I can relate to you! It makes me mad that people don't stop to think....oh that's so and so's body with a baby growing inside of it and that baby can be lost at any moment. They have no clue how stressful and terrifying that can be. When you tell them you are cramping they must assume period like cramps and when you tell them you are having contractions from the blood irritating your uterus and they look at you like you are dumb....it is aggravating. This isn't a competition of whose pregnancy has been the classified as a higher risk, or who is stronger and has made it through the most problems....when a pregnant woman is on bed rest it is obviously for a reason. It angers me that people who are supposed to be the most supportive in times of need can sometimes be the least caring and understanding.

I am SOOOOO happy to have graduated from my little bed rest spell. I felt like my family was falling apart, my home was so out of order and messy, I lost all control, I felt like a horrible mother  for not being as engaged with my daughter as usual and I felt like I was being judged by everybody  as this person that couldn't 'handle' it. 

When I was 4 months pregnant with Natalie I had a huge gush of blood the day before Valentine's Day. I started a new job the very next day and was fine with no pain. This go around it was completely different. I would have never survived starting a job the next day. People need to realize just like no person is ever the same, no pregnancy is ever the same. It is so crucial to not compare because understanding is a far walk away from judgment. 

Do you have to teach somebody how to be a Grandparent!?

Over the weekend I called my Mom to ask her if it would be okay to come visit for a little while. She said to come on over whenever we were ready. So I show up t o her messy little townhouse with Natalie and Matt and we begin talking for a while. I always enjoy seeing my Mother...after all she is my Mother! BUT I feel like she 1) either doesn't know how to be a grandmother or 2) doesn't want to be a grandmother or 3) I don't even know what it is!

We took Natalie over and my Mom heated me up some of their homemade crock pot chili which is one of their favorite things to cook. She played with Natalie for a minute and talked to her and asked us how we were all doing...but after about 20 minutes of being at my Mom's I feel like we are invading her time/ space and it just gets awkward. It's like she is too busy to just 'catch' up with us but she is doing nothing at all when we show up INVITED.

So we are hanging out for about 20-30 minutes and then my Dad shows up with my younger brother who is almost 13. My brother wants to go to a friend's house so my Mom tells us she has to drive him over there (ironically he lives in the same neighborhood we live in). So we are like okay that's fine. Well my Dad plays with Natalie for all of 15 minutes outside with her wagon and giant bouncy ball and then he tells us he is going inside to lay down and watch golf. Which is fine since he was out all morning with my brother doing archery or whatever it is you call it and he works hard so I could imagine him being tired on a Sunday afternoon before the start of his new work week. BUT what I don't understand is where is the enthusiasm of being a grandparent!?!?

Both of my parents work. My Mom is a teacher for mentally disturbed children who are in alternative schools because they got in trouble. She works with High School students. My Father is a manager of an electrical company that sets up security in schools and government buildings. They both work 40-55 hours a week. I GET that they are tired and that they work hard and want to enjoy their weekends. What I don't understand is that we don't even bring Natalie over every weekend...it's like every 3 weekends if that and when we do it's never for that long because we always feel like we are 'taking up their time'.

My parents house is kind of messy...well it's really messy. They have my 19 year old sister living with them as well as my 12 year old brother...but they are no help when it comes to cleaning and taking care of stuff. My parents home has always screamed chaos and it has always been a free for all environment and an eat wherever you want vibe. I hate taking Natalie to their house because my twin sister, Mom, and Dad all smoke cigarettes which we can't stand the smell or the yellow walls. BUT we come over to be nice and not keep Natalie from them because God forbid they come to our house...that would be out of their way!

So my Dad is downstairs watching Golf and my Mom is gone dropping off my younger brother at a friends house and what is there left to do? Nothing. I start packing up Natalie's diaper bag and things and we get ready to go and then my Mom walks in the door as if she is surprised that we are leaving. It's like, "well you invited us over and then left." and nobody is talking or paying attention to the fact that we are here so why stay if we don't feel welcome?

It's like they are either HORRIBLE when it comes to social cues and common sense or they don't want us to come over. Whatever it is I wish it was easier to tell because I'm not dumb when it comes to reading people but they are so confusing it's insane.

Another thing: I know that Grandparents are not obligated to buy their grandchildren things and that not everyone is made of money BUT since Natalie has been born (which she is 19 months) My Mom has bought her a dresser for her baby shower, a fisher price farm for her birthday, a pair of earrings, and my Dad got Natalie a wagon for Christmas. That may sound like a lot and I might sound like an ungrateful daughter but for 19 months of having a grandchild that's not a lot! They bought her a baby shower gift, a birthday gift and a Christmas gift for 2 years. That's about it!!! Most grandmas are excited to buy little girl clothes and toys and bring their grandchildren out for ice-cream or dinner or to fun kid places.....not my parents. In fact they have NEVER offered to babysit for us, take Natalie out for an afternoon without me being present, or to take her overnight since she's been born.

Now if I recall correctly: growing up I was ALWAYS at either my Mom's parents house or my Dad's parents house for the weekend because my parents were going out on a date or a mini weekend vacation. We ALSO had a babysitter and my parents went out almost every Friday. So it surprises me that such 'active' parents who were always going out on dates and such CANT offer once to babysit their one and only, well behaved, young grandchild. Why is that?

How in the world do I even fix something like this that annoys/ puzzles me? I can't force somebody to be interested in being a grandparent, I can't force somebody to make time for their grandchild...but why don't they? My older sister (by 5 years) is 24 and she is dating this WAY older guy who has two daughters. Whenever they come over or better yet my parents go over to their house it's like an all day event with drinking and making good food and talking and having a good time. When Matt and I come over it's like my parents have nothing to talk about, no time for us and they are preoccupied with something.

But Matt doesn't kiss my parent's ass like my older sister's boyfriend does. Matt doesn't pretend to be somebody that he isn't. Matt doesn't drink alcohol at 1:00 in the afternoon for no occasion or reason. He doesn't pretend to take interest in things my Dad likes just to make him happy. I don't go over to my parents to brag about how much money we have or don't have or who just got a promotion that week. I just go over there to ask them how they are doing and let them see their growing granddaughter. That's it! I feel like if my older sister had a child she would bring it over like it was a little puppet, dressed up in expensive brand name clothing with some ugly name like the one she has picked out, "Desmond David" what the hell kind of little boy name is that? That is like asking for your child to be tortured its entire life if you ask me. They would bring their kid over and make it do little dances and twirl around in circles and recite poems and shit. Everything would be all scripted and perfect. It would make me sick.

What I find even CRAZIER is my Dad's father was the same way! He had 2 children. My Aunt Cristi and my Dad, David. My Dad had 4 children and my Aunt Cristi 3. My Dad let us kids do whatever interested us and my Aunt kind of forced her 3 daughters into ballet and being straight A students and living the ultimate life of perfection. My parents in my opinion let us be kids and do what we wanted, whether if that was parks and rec. soccer or building shit with rocks. They didn't care as long as WE were happy. Every event at my Grandpa's house on my Dad's side of the family was/is always the same. We would show up on time and my Aunt would be 2 hours late with her 3 girls wearing $200.00 dresses and white stockings with fancy shoes and stiff hair sprayed curls. She would have some fancy side dish that was created off of a Martha Stewart cooking show and she would have all of these table decorations and accent pieces. Everything was always a 'show' when they walked in the door. My Grandpa was obsessed with their aims at perfection too and as soon as they showed up we were invisible.

My Dad often times complains about his childhood and how nothing he ever did was good enough. His Dad never treated him fairly or paid him any attention. His sister was always the golden child and it was always all eyes on Cristi. Yet, what is my Dad doing now as a grown man? He is paying all of his attention to his eldest daughter because she strives to kiss his ass and impress him and make him proud of her. His other 3 kids...he has no time of day for us unless it's convenient to him. It makes me sick. I guess the saying, "we turn into our parents" is true. I just hope I never end up like that. I think being a grandparent is one of the best privileges ever...and I'm sure it's also one of the hardest jobs ever.

You have to present your knowledge of raising children to your kids and step sons/ daughters without acting like a know it all. You get the amazing privilege of loving on a child that isn't yours but they have a warm place in their heart just for you. Weekend sleepovers become mini vacations for them where you get to bake cookies and stay up late watching movies. You can spoil them and buy them things they don't need and then send them home and not have to worry about how loud the toy you bought them was or how their parents said "no" but you -grandma- said "yes". I can't wait for that day to come......to be able to hold a newborn all over again after it being a decade before you could hold one that was related to you.

I feel like my parents don't look at it that way though. I know they may not have been able to be grandparents at 46 and 53 years old either...but they don't get to press a button when they are ready. Stuff happens. You would think they would be happy for us that we are still together and being amazing parents that are both on the same page and both want the best for our daughter. I feel sad for Natalie a lot of the time. We live with Matt's parents BUT just because we live with them it doesn't mean they have to be great grandparents...they CHOOSE to be. They spend time with her, they love her, teach her, help her, take her places, soothe her.....and she is comfortable with them. She recognizes them...she loves them...she acts her normal and goofy self around them. Around my parents Natalie is a whole different kid. She is shy and hesitant to let her normal little self come out of her shell. I feel like they don't even know the real Natalie because they don't even give her enough time to be herself around them and they are missing out on a wonderful little girl that is growing up OH so quickly. :'(

There is my vent for the day.

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE: 

My favorite Holiday is Easter. It isn't even March and I've already made Easter cupcakes, bought everything for Natalie's Easter basket...including Easter chalk eggs that we used to draw pictures with in the driveway today! :) Can you say obsessed? 

Natalie's butt after sitting in my chalk picture of an Easter basket and eggs. :) silly little girl! 

Walking downtown today with her Wagon....which I was pulling along. We had some frozen yogurt and ate outside too since it was 57 degrees out today! :) 

Hanging out downtown :)

Cleared from pelvic rest: Oh goodness...

After asking my doctor at my appointment yesterday if sex was okay to resume considering my pregnancy is now off the 'high risk' charts he said: YES. In fact he was quite surprised when I told him I refrained from it for the past 5 weeks after finding out about the subchorionic hematoma. SO of course my wonderful, Fiance who is sitting right next to me in the ultra sound room is probably thinking he would get 'lucky' that night....

Well sure enough we had sex for the first time in over 5 weeks. NOW...for him he may have enjoyed it. I'm sure it was much better than Mr. Right Hand if you know what I mean....but for me....oh boy. After having Natalie and being sex free for close to 6 weeks I thought it would be great getting back into it. So not the case! Same for this situation!!!

I know this may be too much information but for any ladies out there on pelvic rest...let me warn you that for ME personally it was like 1) being a virgin all over again and 2) Awkward just because I wasn't as 'into it' as my partner was but I didn't want to ruin his excitement. It was tight. Painful. Awkward. oh and I had the lovely joy of having to pee right as we were getting into it...gotta love always having to pee right? So anyway, I'm hoping that our next escapade is much more enjoyable for me at least.

ON A NOT SO PERSONAL NOTE: I made cupcakes this evening with Natalie and Matt :)

Walking through Target today with little Miss Natalie and I was CRAMP free and full of energy!!! So nice to be able to enjoy simple trips out of the house again!

The Easter Aisle has been spotted!

Being goofy while Mommy is staring down the Easter cupcakes options...

Natalie decorating her cupcake :)

Taking her first bite!

Mommy's cupcake she ate :) Mmmmm!

 Some of the finished cupcakes!

Today was a good day! 



Natalie's Chalazion on her eye.

My daughter, Natalie who is 19 months old has been dealing with a Chalazion on her right eye for about 4 months now...dating back to early December.

"Chalazion is a small lump and refers to a swelling in the eyelid caused by chronic inflammation of one of the small oil producing glands (meibomian glands) located in the upper and lower eyelids. A chalazion is usually a reaction to trapped oil secretions and not caused by bacteria, although the site can become secondarily infected by bacteria. When a chalazion is small and without symptoms, it may disappear without treatment. If the chalazion is large, it may cause blurred vision by distorting the shape of the eye. A chalazion is sometimes confused with a stye which also appears as a lump in the eyelid."

Natalie's started out as a small bump the same color as her skin on her lower eye lid. It began slowly getting bigger so we brought it up at one of her appointments with her pediatrician. He informed us it was just a stye and that it would go away on its own. Well right before Christmas it got WAY bigger and began getting a red tint to it so we brought her back to her pediatrician again. He told us that he is sorry there is nothing he can do and its just going to have to go away on its own.

Well, a few weeks later it got EVEN larger and began to actually scab up with a greenish scab. It was a darker red and I could tell it was really beginning to bother her. Not only was it physically bothering her but it was mentally bothering me! Every time I took her to the daycare at the gym all of the other children were asking what was wrong with her eye. :( 

I took her to the doctor for the third time and was pretty much demanding that the doctor refer me to a specialist or do SOMETHING about her eye not getting any better. He told me there was nothing any specialist would do about it unless it was blocking her vision.

Matt and I had a different idea after this appointment...we would just take her to a specialist ourselves! We found a local Optometrist and took her in for an evaluation. Immediately, the optometrist told us it was NOT a stye but a chalazion. (Funny thing because I looked it up her symptoms on Google and was comparing pictures and I found the SAME thing so this time Google was in my favor) She also told us that it was infected and needed to be taken care of as soon as possible to prevent scarring on her eye! She also told us the surgery could possibly cause scarring where her bottom eye lashes were so they may never grow back. So of course Matt and I are FURIOUS that within 10 minutes of seeing an eye care specialist we have an answer, a treatment plan, and an infection on our hands.

Prior to visiting this eye doctor it took me all of 10 minutes to come across Chalazion on google. Why couldn't her doctor have figured this out one of the 3 different times we brought her to him? The eye specialist referred us to some ophthalmologists who would actually perform the surgery so from there we set up a consultation.

When I got home I called the doctors office pretty upset and told the doctor what had happened. He was mad that we took her out of his practice and care for a second opinion. He kept stating, "I'm not perfect." ...which I understand that nobody is perfect but if a patient has came to you 3 different times with worsening symptoms over a period of a few months you should probably take them seriously!

We got on the computer and started looking up pediatric eye surgeons and doctors and with our luck none of them had any openings within 2 weeks so we were left with choosing one that is 2 hours away from our home. We scheduled an appointment for her evaluation and were given a steroid/ antibiotic ointment to put on her eye 2 times a day. Since using this ointment her eye has looked SO much better. The infection is gone, it is not as swollen but it is still pink and obvious that there is something wrong with her eye.

So after 2 appointments 2 hours away with this eye surgeon we finally have a date scheduled for her eye surgery!!! It is scheduled for March 18th and as long as her pre op. appointment goes well a week before her surgery then the dates shouldn't change. The surgeon told us that her surgery should take all of 10 minutes. They basically flip back the eye lid and lance/ drain all of the fluid and patch her eye up. They will send her home with some more ointment to prevent the chalazion from coming back too.

Here is a picture of Natalie's eye about 1 month ago (it looks a lot better now)

 

I will take a picture of her right before her surgery, right after, and a few days after her surgery to show the recovery process. Her doctor has since then apologized for misdiagnosing her Chalazion and he told us he has informed everyone in his practice. This makes us feel a lot better! So just remember that not everyone is perfect and doctors DO make mistakes so a second opinion never hurts. :) 

Look forward to an update on March 18th and please pray for us that everything goes well.

Things are starting to look up!!!

Went in for my appointment today to check on the baby and monitor SCH. I was so nervous going into the appointment and it didn't help that the doctor was about 45 minutes behind schedule. I could feel my heart pounding while I was in the ultrasound room waiting for him to walk in at any given moment! FINALLY he came in and we got started right away.

The very good news is that the placenta reattached itself where it had ripped. Comparing the ultrasound pictures (which are pretty low quality) from my 10 week appointment to my 14 week appointment you can see the huge difference! At my 10 week appointment my OB/GYN was pretty skeptical due to the fact the placenta looked like it was just barely hanging on since the hematoma was surrounding 3 sides of the baby. Now the hematoma is in the upper left area of where the baby's sac is...it is not noticeable on this ultrasound photo though. It is the smallest I have ever seen it on ultrasound and looks like the size of a grape. There is very dark fluid right next to a very very very small clot.

I asked my doctor if all of my horrid cramping from last week could have been the fluid reabsorbing and he said it was very possible. I haven't had any cramping at all for the most part in the last 3 days. He did tell me to still expect the normal pregnancy cramping in my lower abdomen where the uterus is stretching and to expect some period like cramping as the SCH continues to reabsorb.

Right now he said he can treat the pregnancy like it was any normal pregnancy. He said I can definitely feel comfortable walking long distances as long as I'm not cramping. I told him that I had refrained from sex for 5 weeks. He said it is more than okay and it would not cause preterm labor or the SCH to get any bigger. He also said with how small the SCH is it wouldn't pose any threat.

So interestingly enough  I noticed that as I began to feel my normal self again the SCH had gotten smaller. Now I've only been feeling decent for all of 3 days but it is definitely a bright start for me!

 

14 wk. ultrasound.

 

As far as the pregnancy is going lately...I feel okay. My blood pressure and heart rate are normal. I feel like I am getting some of my energy back now that I am creeping into the 2nd trimester. I definitely don't feel the need to sleep for 12 hours at a time anymore which is WONDERFUL! I am not cramping as much. The colace is definitely helping out with my horrid problems with constipation. I don't feel the need to cry or go crazy at any given time. I am still nauseous at times but not as often as I was say 2 weeks ago. I usually feel sick when I am in the car or right as I get out of the shower. I have been trying not to take the Zofran as often. I am still taking Buspar for anxiety. I take 15 mg. twice a day, right when I wake up and before I go to sleep. The dizziness from the Buspar has gone away as it has built up in my system. I do still feel my anxiety get out of hand at times but I also understand that the medicine isn't going to completely solve the problem.

 

I've noticed that in the past few days the more I've been able to accomplish the less anxiety I've had. I just couldn't stand sitting on the couch all day knowing that I had to bleach the bathrooms and do laundry and run errands....I feel so much weight lifted off my shoulders now that my doctor has cleared me to basically go about the pregnancy as if nothing is wrong.

 

 



I am still pretty nervous about 'having fun' in the bedroom again....based on all of the horror stories I've read on Google. Somebody the possesses as much anxiety as me should definitely NOT run to Google for opinions and first hand experiences from other people....yet I always do.

Oh and another thing that is off topic: Natalie has been getting frequent ear infections. She is 19 months old and has had about 9 so far...but not enough to have tubes in her ears considering she didn't have 7 before she turned 1. We have stopped using Q-tips because the doctor said they can actually scratch her inner ear and lead to an infection. He told us to take a cap full of hydrogen peroxide and pour it into each of her ears so it will eat up all of the ear wax. Of course I called my Mother to ask her opinion on the matters since she has had 4 children with a history of frequent ear infections. She said if Natalie is tugging on her ears like she has an ear infection to NEVER do it because she made that mistake with my twin sister Maddie when we were younger. She had an ear infection and it left Maddie screaming in pain when she poured the peroxide in her ear. However, if Natalie is just digging or tugging at her ears to try to get the ear wax out then it's okay.

SO: we tried it last night for the first time! It made her ear a little red for about 20 minutes and then that faded away. Natalie gave Matt a really odd look like, "What the hell did you just do that for?" after he did it. Then she put her fingers in her ear for just a second and went back to cuddling with Matt and watching TV. I've noticed though ALL day today she hasn't touched her ears once which is good so it seems to have worked. :) We will probably continue doing this once a week. :)

I don't go back to the doctor as long as everything is okay until April 8th. That is when I will have my 20 week anatomy scan and find out the sex of the baby! So 6 weeks from now I should have an update on the baby.

Blue balls and Ultrasound Nerves...

At 9:10 tomorrow I'll be walking into the doctors office for my long awaited ultrasound! I am so nervous I'm sure I won't even be able to sleep tonight! I know the news could be great...this monster, named Subchorionic Hematoma could be history! OR it could be much bigger than it was when I had my last ultrasound. Maybe it will be the same size? All of the possibilities and the unknown are driving me crazy and they have been for 4 weeks now!

I haven't had an ultrasound done since I was 10 weeks along and now I am 1 day shy of being 14 weeks pregnant.These past two days have been some of the better ones during this week that's for sure! 3 days ago I attempted to go "out" for a little bit. I managed to walk through Wal Mart for all of 10 minutes..long enough to pick up Colace for my lovely side effect, SEVERE constipation. Gotta love being pregnant right? :) I started getting really crampy and dizzy in Wal Mart and I had to sit down on a bench for a minute or two. Then Matt gave me the car keys so I could go sit outside in the car and him and our daughter proceeded to the checkout. This trip was very disappointing.

After dinner we decided to take our daughter to Dairy Queen for some ice-cream. I stood in line for about 5 minutes staring at the menu and then started feeling very hot, sweaty, dizzy and crampy once again so I decided to go sit in a booth. Our daughter loved her ice-cream and I got my little cookie dough blizzard fix so I was pretty happy myself!

 

P.S. these bibs from IKEA are the best thing in the world! Natalie can eat whatever on earth she please and I don't have to worry about her pretty little dresses getting stained and ruined! A 2 pack was only $4.99 and I definitely recommend buying them! :)

 

 

\The next day (being yesterday) I had more energy. Natalie went with my In-Laws to D.C. for the day so I was lucky enough to have a little break to 'rest'. Instead of resting I decided to bleach the bathroom and super clean Nat's bedroom. Matt was even nice enough to shampoo her carpets for me since I can't vacuum/ shampoo carpets. Trust me I tried to vacuum about 2 weeks ago HORRIBLE idea. I had cramps for about 2 hours afterwards.

 

Today I would say I've had the most energy I've had in the past 4 weeks since I had my bleed. I find this surprising considering I was up all night at "Urgent Care" with Matt. Funny story: Natalie and Daddy were rough housing on the floor and kicking their feet up and rolling around being goof balls before her bedtime 2 days ago and she kicked him square in his boys! He of course made the squinting I'm going to barf face while he held himself in pain...you know the usual reaction guys make when they are hit/ kicked in their goods; and then he went back to playing with her like nothing ever happened.

 

WELL: yesterday he gets out of the shower and is freaking out about to have a panic attack. He tells me he has a lump on one of his 'boys'. So of course being the Fiance I am the lucky one that gets to examine it -___-. I asked him if it hurt and he said YES. I said GOOD that means its probably not cancer. I said does your abdomen hurt? He said yes...I said Mmm it could be epididymitis (which is really just an inflammation of the epididymis that is usually cured with an antibiotic). Then I told him it could just be a spermatocele or something minor like that...and of course he is freaking out and in panic mode thinking that his "THING" is going to fall off.

 

So anyway, to make sure everything is okay with him we go up to urgent care but of course it just HAS to be a Saturday and he couldn't have gone to the doctor all day. His insurance plan has a $1,000.00 co-pay to whoever goes to the E.R. first in his family too so he definitely is holding off going to the E.R. Luckily, our insurance has a 24 hour facility that is kind of like an emergency room and it's about 40 minutes away so off we were to check out his lump situation.

 

I will never let him live down his visit either. You know how us, women always have to strip down and put on that little white paper skirt/ blanket thing and hope our butt isn't showing. Then we have to lift our legs up and spread eagle for the doctor...and all the while our hubby's are sitting in the chair a few feet away staring at us. WELL ladies let me tell you it's a great feeling watching your hubby be tickled with a little bit of discomfort every once in a while since we have to deal with is quite often with pregnancy/ birth.

 

Matt: "Do I have to take my underwear off?"

 

Me: "Duh, why else would they give you the white paper thing..."

 

Matt: "I don't want to....."

 

every time he could hear somebody walking outside of the door of the little room we were in he would cross his legs and start shaking his leg with nerves. I was cracking up! Finally the doctor came in. She was a really nice woman. She examined him for about 10 minutes and asked him to stand up and sit down and cough...she asked him all of these questions. Finally her answer, "Well it's a bruise!"

 

So the lump will go away as the bruise heals and she told him to expect it to turn all different colors within the next 4 weeks...she said it's a pretty decent bruise so it will take some time to heal.

 

Although I thoroughly enjoyed making fun of him I am glad there is nothing seriously wrong!

 

THEN: Later last night when we got home he was still in a lot of pain. Which I find this interesting: Guys who have pain in their testicles will also have a shooting pain in their abdomen because their scrotum while in the womb was far up in their abdomen. When it descends there is still a tendon connecting it so pain shoots up when something is wrong. VERY INTERESTING. Anyway, I offered to give him one of my Percocet's from when I had a kidney infection about 8 months ago. I saved them just in case I ever had a horrible migraine or anything like that...but I honestly hate Percocet. It makes me so sick to my stomach.

 

So he takes a Percocet and then about 20 minutes later we are laying in bed and he is scratching my back and he begins talking and talking and talking....I think I fell asleep before he ever stopped talking. It cracked me up because when I had Natalie via C-Section and I was drugged up on Percocet I was the same way but 1,000,000 times worse.

 

BACK TO TODAY: So although we didn't get home until about 1:30 in the morning I still managed to feel well rested and tackle the day! I woke up in a kind of grumpy mood. Then decided to go visit my parents. I had enough energy to walk to the pond behind their house so Matt and I could throw rocks in the water for the first time with Natalie. She LOVED it. :) I stood up for a while outside too while she played with her giant bouncy ball. I also managed to come home and prepare Natalie's lunch and play outside with her some more. Even better: for the first time in almost forever I actually had the energy to stand up long enough to cook dinner without having ANY cramps. It was amazing!!! I even cleaned up the dinner mess and all of Natalie's toys earlier this evening. I just finished giving her a bath and putting away a load of her laundry. That is more than I've done in a while!!! Usually I get awful cramps if I stand or sit up for longer than 10 minutes.

 

I really hope that this energy means my subchorionic hematoma is getting better. I am starting to feel like my normal self again! I have just been listening to my body and the second I begin cramping I chug a glass of ice water and put my feet up! My doctor told me I don't have to be on pelvic rest but I've placed myself on it anyway. Wish me luck! I'll update you all on the news!

 



Baby #2 and diagnosed with a Subchorionic Hematoma at 9 weeks.

To my surprise I found out we were expecting on December 17, 2012! We started 'trying' for a baby in October and were blessed right before Christmas with the news. I was feeling great and was just overall happy that there would be another little person added to our family. We wanted our daughter Natalie to have a playmate soon and since both my hubby and I have such large gaps in age between our siblings we wanted to ensure Natalie's playmate was close in age! :) It will be the perfect little present for her when she turns 2..being a big sister! Too bad right now she has no clue why Mommy is so grumpy, tired and sick all the time :)

I could not believe how quickly I began to show this go around! Just 19 short months ago I had Natalie via C-Section. I remember it taking me a LONG time to even look remotely pregnant with her and I don't believe a stranger could even tell I was pregnant until I was about 20 weeks!!! I was very skinny in the beginning...about 100 pounds but my belly just never 'popped' out until a few weeks into the second trimester with Natalie. Not this go around though, I started getting a little baby bump at only 6 weeks!!! Sounds impossible...and it was probably just a lot of bloating but still...definitely not expecting it! So at 6 weeks I was forced to say goodbye to my size 2 American Eagle jeans and break out the maternity jeans.

6 week and a few days pregnant (the day after Christmas 2012) Gotta love the stretch marks from Natalie's pregnancy =p

I had my first doctors appointment to confirm the pregnancy which consisted of a lot of blood work, a urine sample and of course the mean old internal ultrasound. This time around I won't be seeing the same, wonderful and very loved Ob/Gyn I was blessed with last time! Instead I have the newest addition to our Office's group. So far we are getting along great...thank goodness! I was very nervous about having a male Ob/Gyn at first. Although he can't necessarily relate he is a very caring doctor and I'm very happy with all of his help so far. I think I can be a crazy patient at moments...asking a MILLION questions until I'm blue in the face, worrying about anything and everything, constantly shooting emails to him. He has put up with me so far though!

7 weeks and 6 days ultra sound with my personal Ob/Gyn.

Then....I found out about the subchorionic hematoma. This is kind of graphic and VERY detailed so prepare yourself or just please don't read. I want to share my story exactly how it happened...





When I was 9 weeks pregnant and 2 days I went about my normal Saturday...went to college for my morning Chemistry for nurses class and came home to see my beautiful little girl. Decided to accompany my in-law for a trip to a mall up north for a day filled with lots of walking...and even more walking! I'm telling you this mall is the longest mall I've ever walked through and it is definitely a work out! During our mall trip I kept having the urge to sit down and rest...which is odd because I'm normally a very active person. I kept getting this cramps..I didn't think anything of them other than maybe I was "over doing it" so I let my Father in Law know and he passed it on to my Mother in Law and from then on we took it kind of slow...making sure I sat down when I needed to.

Everything was fine until the next morning. I live with my In laws just to let everyone know...so this will make more sense. On a Sunday morning usually the Television is going, my Mother in Law is on the computer paying bills or talking to her lady friends and my Father in Law is outside in the garage enjoying the newspaper and a cigar. My hubby was off at work and our daughter was upstairs taking her mid morning nap. I was on the computer doing some school work and I will admit...shopping online as well ;)

All of the sudden I got this really big urge to go to the bathroom...#2. I thought that was odd so I stood up and began walking to the bathroom and about 10 steps in I got literally the most painful cramp of my entire life. It was all across the left side of my lower belly. It hurt so bad I could not sit down or fall down or scream or cry. I just stood there completely frozen. Although I felt like there was something terribly wrong I played it off as if everything was okay and continued to the bathroom. There I had the most painful #2 of my entire life! I had constant cramps so bad it made me want to cry...actually I did cry for a minute there. I blamed this on internal hemorrhoids which I did have at the time and thought nothing of it for a few minute. I returned downstairs on the computer and then instant messaged my hubby who thankfully wasn't too busy at work. I told him about the horrible cramping and pain and he told me I should go to the ER.

I honestly felt like I should have but didn't because I didn't want him to have to leave work, I didn't want to drive because of how painful that was, and I didn't want to have to ask my Mother or Father in law to take me. So instead I sat there on the computer instant messaging my hubby.

THEN...about 10 minute later I got a really weird feeling like I had to pee...except I had jut gone pee. I stood up and began walking to the bathroom...I decided I would go to the bathroom upstairs this time so I could listen for Natalie and make sure she was still asleep. As soon as I made it to the top step I felt a GUSH of blood.

I only knew it was blood because out of shock/ panic I put my hand down there to make sure (since I was wearing black sweat pants and underwear). It was a watery bright red blood mixture and it was literally gushing like a water fountain. It was all the way down my legs.

I screamed my Mother in Law's name from the top of the stair and I went running down the stairs and I told her I had to go to the emergency room I thought I was having a miscarriage. She decided to stay at the house and my Father in Law brought me. Awkward. I was bleeding so badly that I had to sit on a towel in the car...which that was covered by the time we got to the ER.

I still didn't have any pain though surprisingly. Just bleeding. I sat in a wheel chair at the ER because I was very dizzy from all of the fear and panic and from losing a lot of blood. I bled at the hospital for about 2 hours of bright red blood.

I went for an ultra sound and the u/s technician was like, "there is your little baby and the heart beat"

"WHAT!?" I couldn't believe it! How could the baby still be alive after all of that blood!?!?!?!

I went back to my observation room after the nice ultra sound woman printed off a picture for me:

9 weeks and 3 days u/s picture.

The E.R. doctor never did find out why I bled. You can't really see the subchorionic hematoma in this picture either. He just told me that I had a threatened miscarriage and that I could probably miscarry that evening. Way to freak me out! So I went home and decided to rest on the couch and take it easy. I wasn't bleeding anymore but I still didn't feel right. Honestly I felt like I was a ticking time bomb waiting to bleed again and lose the baby. My nerves were so high too! I was just awaiting a famous panic attack that evening but never had one. I went home and did my own research and typed in SCH blood clot and found out about subchorionic hematoma....I googled for hours and hours. I think that's why my doctor didn't tell me the formal name...but stubborn me I found it out anyway.

I made an appointment to follow up with my OB the very next day and he immediately looked at the external ultra sound and said, "You have a blood clot." He didn't go into any detail at all really. Just told me I would either bleed it out or my body would reabsorb it. He told me it was about the size of an egg and just as big as the baby at the time. He told me I had a 50/50 chance of miscarrying. I noticed that he put SCH on the ultrasound picture....and he never printed one off for me.

No more bleeding since I was 9 weeks and 3 days just LOTS and LOTS of cramping.

10 weeks and a few days ultra sound with very poor quality at an appointment a week after I was at the ER to check on SCH. IT has gotten a WHOLE lot bigger. Instead of it being about the size of an egg and only on the right side it is now surrounding 3 sides of the baby. I don't get to go see a Peri until I am past 15 weeks my Doctor said...but when I do they will have a much more accurate size of the SCH by then and be able to monitor blood flow.

My belly at 11 weeks.

At 12 weeks I was woken up at 3 in the morning with cramps that had me crying. I tried not to wake up my hubby and I just laid there through them praying they would go away. They didn't until 9 in the morning. They would come and go. They were so painful they took my breathe away. I made an appointment later that day to see my doctor to make sure everything was okay. He checked for a heart beat and there still was one. He never did an ultra sound. But my cramps stopped by the time I got to the appointment and I felt okay again. I went about the rest of my day like nothing had happened. I took my daughter to the park to play and did everything as I normally would with no bleeding.

A picture of me at 13 weeks pregnant. I am currently 13 weeks pregnant and 2 days and I have not had any bleeding since I was 9 weeks and 3 days. Although I have a LOT of cramping just about every day. I rest a lot and have placed myself on pelvic rest although my doctor didn't tell me to do either. He told me to still go about my normal every day activities but I don't really feel well enough to with all the cramping. Based on all my research I've read that sex can be very dangerous if you have a subchorionic hematoma as well due to orgasm and contracting the uterus. So my poor hubby and I have suffered about 5 weeks without any...but it is worth it!

I go back to the doctor on March 4th to find out what is going on with the SCH.